shadowsong26 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
shadowsong26) wrote2011-02-21 09:56 am
shadowsong26) wrote2011-02-21 09:56 am
weird stream of consciousness drabble while i'm killing time before an audition
Title: Free
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Battlestar Galactica
Summary: Baltar seeks any means necessary to escape his demon. Spoilers through 'Lay Down Your Burdens.'
Author's Note: Another weird one. I might end up redoing this at some point, but here it is as it stands now. As much as I like writing Baltar, getting into his head turned out to actually be really hard for POV purposes. Especially since it revolves around justifying a decision of his that I don't really think makes much internal sense (and the potential plot thread is abandoned five episodes later thank you third season). Also, he is, by nature, an unreliable narrator, especially about himself, so probably at least half of this should be taken with a substantial grain of salt (even when he's panicking and a bit self-destructive and doing something he knows damn well is incredibly stupid, he can't resist bragging -_-;; ). So...yeah. Justification! Difficult headspace! Weirdness!
I am not like ordinary men.
This is not necessarily a negative reflection on them, of course not. God knows I'm hardly the best of men, just...extraordinary.
I don't forget things. I mean, I don't forget facts. Not when I'm explicitly thinking of them as facts. I am, of course, brilliant, and also a little bit mad, I think.
This is what concerns me. The madness, I mean. Fortunately, there is no structural defect, at least, though perhaps that should be unfortunately, as it means I have no way of knowing how to fix it, and I am growing increasingly desperate.
This is not my field, and I am...afraid. With my limited data, and the lack of resources to get the data I need--at least with any type of discretion...
I don't want to take away the one good thing I have, just to make her stop throwing me into mirrors.
The problem is, now that I am President and Gina is...gone, I don't know that I have a choice anymore. The hallucinations were hard enough to conceal, and even more eyes will be on me, if possible.
I don't forget data. Numbers, facts, dates, data. I can't remember the first name she gave me, but I remember the date and time and we met. My mind works that way, I suppose. I remember the color of her dress, her lipstick, her nails. I can't remember her name.
Nor should I, I suppose, but things like that I forget.
I never took in much data on this, but I have reason to believe that this is reliable. There are side effects, of course, one can't expect perfection, but they shouldn't do too much permanent cognitive damage. The withdrawal is, as I recall, quite unpleasant, so when I run out...
Well.
This is perhaps the most important decision of my life. And incomplete, imperfect data means this might well impair my cognitive function, or if what I've bought isn't a strong enough dosage, or...any number of things that might go wrong. But I think I am more afraid of her than I am of the pills.
I stand to lose everything--the only thing of real value I have, but i will be free.
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Battlestar Galactica
Summary: Baltar seeks any means necessary to escape his demon. Spoilers through 'Lay Down Your Burdens.'
Author's Note: Another weird one. I might end up redoing this at some point, but here it is as it stands now. As much as I like writing Baltar, getting into his head turned out to actually be really hard for POV purposes. Especially since it revolves around justifying a decision of his that I don't really think makes much internal sense (and the potential plot thread is abandoned five episodes later thank you third season). Also, he is, by nature, an unreliable narrator, especially about himself, so probably at least half of this should be taken with a substantial grain of salt (even when he's panicking and a bit self-destructive and doing something he knows damn well is incredibly stupid, he can't resist bragging -_-;; ). So...yeah. Justification! Difficult headspace! Weirdness!
I am not like ordinary men.
This is not necessarily a negative reflection on them, of course not. God knows I'm hardly the best of men, just...extraordinary.
I don't forget things. I mean, I don't forget facts. Not when I'm explicitly thinking of them as facts. I am, of course, brilliant, and also a little bit mad, I think.
This is what concerns me. The madness, I mean. Fortunately, there is no structural defect, at least, though perhaps that should be unfortunately, as it means I have no way of knowing how to fix it, and I am growing increasingly desperate.
This is not my field, and I am...afraid. With my limited data, and the lack of resources to get the data I need--at least with any type of discretion...
I don't want to take away the one good thing I have, just to make her stop throwing me into mirrors.
The problem is, now that I am President and Gina is...gone, I don't know that I have a choice anymore. The hallucinations were hard enough to conceal, and even more eyes will be on me, if possible.
I don't forget data. Numbers, facts, dates, data. I can't remember the first name she gave me, but I remember the date and time and we met. My mind works that way, I suppose. I remember the color of her dress, her lipstick, her nails. I can't remember her name.
Nor should I, I suppose, but things like that I forget.
I never took in much data on this, but I have reason to believe that this is reliable. There are side effects, of course, one can't expect perfection, but they shouldn't do too much permanent cognitive damage. The withdrawal is, as I recall, quite unpleasant, so when I run out...
Well.
This is perhaps the most important decision of my life. And incomplete, imperfect data means this might well impair my cognitive function, or if what I've bought isn't a strong enough dosage, or...any number of things that might go wrong. But I think I am more afraid of her than I am of the pills.
I stand to lose everything--the only thing of real value I have, but i will be free.