shadowsong26 | Reading

fox posting in

Dear Miss Manners: The neighbor who lives directly across the street from me parks in front of my house. If this was occasional, I wouldn’t care, but it’s become the daily routine. I can’t imagine consistently doing this.

I enjoy looking out my window in the evening, but now my view is a car every night.

Today a work truck parked in front of my house, so the neighbor parked in their own driveway (which is always clear, as is their curb). When the truck left, they moved their car back to my curb, leaving their driveway empty the rest of the day.

I realize this could sound petty, but our other neighbors respect this unwritten rule.

In addition to unwritten, the rule is possibly unknown to this neighbor. Miss Manners trusts that you don’t think the car is purposely parked with the intention of blocking your view, and that you realize that others have a legal right to park on a public street.

Therefore, the neighbor would be doing you a favor by refraining from parking there. And to ask a favor requires purging any annoyance you feel and admitting that complying would be a voluntary kindness.

An amusing confession of your staring-out-the-window habit would be more effective than an admonishment for violating neighborhood expectations.

conuly posting in

agonyaunt

I’m a 20-year-old male college student who met someone new this spring. We clicked instantly and have been dating a few months. He visited me at college, and we’re both living in New York this summer. We enjoy lovely dinners and each other’s company with almost no issues, except one major sore spot.

I recently let him know I’m not interested in monogamy right now. Having been in a long-distance monogamous relationship before, the pressure and trust issues made me skeptical of that norm. I explained that because of my past, I struggle to feel deeply sexually attracted to someone I actually care about. We have OK sex, but it lacks the fire of casual hookups. I also explained that my interest in nonmonogamy was less about actively seeking others and more about lessening the pressure around potential lapses during travel or because of distance.

He seemed to take it all right, but I later discovered that within two weeks, he slept with three people without telling me — supposedly to avoid getting cuckolded or looking foolish. I haven’t seen anyone else in the meantime, so now I guess I look foolish. When I confronted him about acting out of anger rather than communicating, he immediately blamed my original sin of wanting nonmonogamy, which he says is for “hippies and sex addicts.”

I told him how I’ve seen relationships, including my parents’, destroyed by infidelity and deception. I asked whether he would prefer a relationship filled with lies or one built on honesty — to which he said he would rather not be with me at all, which definitely hurt.

To ease tensions, I agreed to four months of exclusivity to see where we stand. I emphasized my reluctance to rush things, especially because I haven’t felt deep love or trust yet and can see that he is much more into me than I am into him. Continuing, even not in my preferred way, seemed better than cutting off someone I care about.

But I’m still curious about nonmonogamy, especially while I’m young and good-looking and trying to understand which relationship styles work for me. Should I suppress my bohemian urges and go along with his desire for exclusivity or attempt another structured conversation about it? Am I too young for this to matter or is this actually the best time to test boundaries? Any thoughts on examining this situation and mending resentments before they spiral?

( Read more... )

conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Carolyn: I have an older sister, “Amy,” who was prettier and more outgoing than I was, so I kind of lived in her shadow, but I adored her and she was always my best friend growing up. Her sophomore year of college, I found out from a friend at her school that she was doing drugs and her boyfriend was a dealer. She’d secretly dropped half her courses and was barely passing the rest. I offered to find her some help, but she just ridiculed me. As things worsened, I was worried about her, so I told our parents. She lied and said I’d made the whole thing up because I was so jealous of her. My parents believed her and even said I might need therapy for telling a lie that big, until she was arrested a few months later and the whole truth came out.

For years following, she kept lying, stole so much money from me, wrecked my car and said/did many other horrible things to me. I moved away and cut her out of my life. She skipped out on her treatment program and got arrested again.

Last year, Amy completed rehab and is supposedly clean. She also had a baby last month, has minimal support from the father and is back living with my parents.

They want me to forgive and forget and be part of my nephew’s life, but I see it as insisting I give Amy another chance to hurt me. I still have so much resentment against her. I don’t want to take it out on her son, but I can’t stand the thought of being around her. She never apologized or tried to make amends for all she put me through, and I’m not sure I could ever trust her again. Is it even worth trying to be a part of my nephew’s life when I feel that way about his mom?
— Distrustful

( Read more... )

paradoxcase posting in

rainbowfic

Name: An Alternate Timeline
Story: The Fulcrum
Colors: Nacarat #8: Antsafa (Malagasy): Inquiries about things of which one is fully cognizant beforehand, Light Black #4: Carry
Styles and Supplies: Panorama, Gift Wrap, Cartography, Brushes (July 13 2025: Contrite)
Word Count: 3268
Rating: T
Warnings: Fantasy Drug (Ab)use, Discussion of slavery
Characters: Setsiana, Qhoroali, Cyaru (and an unnamed minor character with significant dialog)
In-Universe Date: 1912.2.1.3
Summary: Qhoroali takes Setsiana to a Sohanke timeline.
Notes: Gift wrap for Nyoacelya Lyuya. At some point I thought this segment might actually make the story pass the gender-reversed Bechdel test, but then the old man never wound up getting a name, and didn't wind up having a real conversation with Cyaru directly.

( An Alternate Timeline )

conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Annie: I have a frustrating problem with my mother. I'm 40 years old, but she still treats me like I'm a teenager. She expects me to answer every call immediately and freaks out if I'm unavailable, often roping in my cousin to text me if I don't respond since my mom doesn't know how.

This has been going on since I was a teen. When I was 18, I was expected to call when I left or arrived anywhere. I once forgot to call her after leaving a bookstore, and by the time I got to the library, I was accosted by three separate employees saying my mother had been calling. My aunt and cousin think it's a cute story, not infuriating like I do.

Last year, I mentioned I was heading to Walmart. Remember that I'm 40. I didn't check my phone for 10 whole minutes, and in that short time, my mom called several times and had our cousin text to "see if I was OK."

Most recently, I missed a text and then a call from my cousin -- she was picking me up -- because my phone was on silent after I got home from work and I'd stepped into the bathroom. My mom later confronted me about the "stunt" I pulled, how it was so rude I'd done that and told my cousin they shouldn't pick me up anymore.

How do I explain to her that she's suffocating me? I know she worries, but I'm 40 years old. I'm not a highly sought after princess the world is about to kidnap at any moment; I'm just another random person, not a highly coveted commodity. The more she does this, the more she pushes me away. -- Smothered in a Small Town

( Read more... )

minoanmiss posting in

agonyaunt

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minoanmiss posting in

agonyaunt

( Read more... )

Current Mood: curious

minoanmiss posting in

agonyaunt

AAM is spicy this week!

( Read more... )

bookblather

( You're about to view content that the journal owner has advised should be viewed with discretion. )

ysobel posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Eric: I am 40 and physically disabled. I need a powered wheelchair to get around both outside and inside my apartment. Recently, my tires were popped by some broken glass from a bottle thrown out of a passing car onto the sidewalk. It has been a week since I have been able to use my wheelchair, and I have another 20 days before my new tires arrive.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be infuriated that someone’s litter caused me to spend $200 on replacement tires.

My caregiver disagrees. He says that it’s my fault for continuing and not turning around. He also said that I am overreacting, when the most I have done is complain a little bit for maybe an hour total and make a joking “whoever threw the bottle on the sidewalk owes me $200” comment once.

Am I being too sensitive about this? I think being upset about having to spend $200 that I don’t have to replace something necessary for my continued function in and outside of my apartment due to litter is understandable, but I would like to ask for your thoughts on the matter to be sure.

— Tire’d

Tire’d: Let me get this straight. Your caregiver, who understands the challenges you face navigating a world that is often not accommodating, thinks that you don’t have the right to be peeved about this? Litter, particularly broken glass, is a problem for everyone and any one of us could and should be upset about having to navigate a sidewalk strewn with jagged pieces, even if it didn’t cost us $200 or a temporary restriction in mobility.

What happened wasn’t fair and it had a greater impact on you than it would on someone who could just step to the side or crunch the glass under a boot. Your caregiver needs to acknowledge that some things in the world affect you differently. This is what empathy is. One doesn’t need firsthand experience to be empathetic, but in this case he has to be able to see how hard this one battle has made your life.

I hope that this is an isolated incident in your relationship and he’s able to be supportive in other ways. Because care is about more than physical assistance. It’s also about being willing to say, “I see you. I hear you. What you’re feeling is valid.”

ysobel posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Miss Manners: I prepared some hand-dipped chocolate goodies and delivered them to a couple of ladies in my neighborhood. A few days later, one of the ladies called me to tell me she was diabetic and couldn’t eat them.

I was sad that “the thought that counts” must not come into play anymore. I felt her phone call was rude and unnecessary.

Am I being petty, or was she being rude? It will make me think twice next time I try to be thoughtful. This friend certainly won’t see goodies from me again.

Then you will not want to hear that this lady spent the intervening time fuming over the thoughtlessness displayed in putting her health at risk — as if, instead of trying to brighten her day, you had attempted to force-feed her.

Miss Manners recommends saying, “I’m sorry to hear that. Thanks for letting me know” — and then tossing the conversation in the memory dustbin and, as was your plan, not repeating the gesture. This is also an approximation of what Miss Manners would have counseled the lady with diabetes, had she been asked.

paradoxcase posting in

rainbowfic

Name: A Return to Research
Story: The Fulcrum
Colors: Dogwood Rose #6: orange: enthusiasm, Light Black #20: Heal
Styles and Supplies: Panorama, Calendar Page (July 8: SCUD Day), Stickers ("There is a “Gospel of Judas” not found in the Bible that speaks of Judas as the only one of Jesus’ disciples who fully understood his teachings. He turned Jesus over to the Romans because Jesus asked him to."), Tempera (I used dailytarotdraw and got the Eight of Swords. Using the reversed meaning: "The 8 of Swords Reversed represents a release from the entrapment and self-imposed limitations that once plagued us. When this card appears reversed, it signifies newfound clarity, liberation, and the ability to break free from mental barriers. The negative thoughts and fears that once held us captive are now dissipating, giving way to a renewed sense of empowerment and freedom. The reversed 8 of Swords reminds us that we have the power to overcome our self-imposed restrictions and embrace a life filled with possibilities and growth. It encourages us to step out of our comfort zones and explore new horizons, knowing that we can navigate any challenges that come our way."), Novelty Bead (this image, given here)
Word Count: 1161
Rating: G
Warnings: None
Characters: Setsiana, Qhoroali
In-Universe Date: 1912.1.4.5
Summary: Setsiana finds something to do with herself.

( A Return to Research )

matsushima posting in

agonyaunt

I’ve been working at a university library for a little over a year now and have had a hard time making friends. Shortly after I started, I befriended a coworker, “Morgan,” who is also relatively new, and it has been nice getting to know them and commiserating about how hard it is to make friends in a new city and workplace.

Over the course of our friendship, Morgan has opened up more and more about the interpersonal problems they’ve had with our colleagues. They describe scenarios where collaborative projects get stalled because other stakeholders stop communicating with them, coworkers they were getting lunch with on a weekly basis suddenly stop responding to chats, and other frustrations with navigating bureaucracy that interferes with their work. It’s hard to tell if Morgan is becoming increasingly disgruntled or if they are now very comfortable with telling me their unfiltered feelings.

I’ve also had to navigate some fairly horrendous problems as a new employee, so it’s been nice to have a coworker who understands and sympathizes with our (somewhat) dysfunctional workplace culture. Morgan has made it very clear to me that they are only here for the time being and have already decided that this is not the city they would like to stay in long-term. Personally, I want to retire here and have worked very hard to improve my situation. It feels very different for me today than it did a year ago, which is why it’s become increasingly difficult to navigate Morgan’s constant negativity.

Morgan can be a lot of fun to talk to, but they’re in an increasingly bad mental space at work. They frequently come to my office to gripe for an hour or two in spite of how busy I am; I’m always actively working and trying to concentrate when they pop into my office. To my fault, they ask if it’s a good time to chat and I always say yes because they’ve been so hurt by our coworkers pulling away and I’m afraid of upsetting them. On top of this, they’ve become increasingly argumentative with me when they’re looking to talk. Again, I would say this is my fault because they are looking to vent and I’m always trying to provide solutions, so I think it’s taken as invalidating Morgan’s feelings.

Morgan is in such a bad mental space at work that seemingly any type of feedback or dialogue that they disagree with comes off as an attack. One of the issues they’ve had with multiple colleagues is that they invalidate Morgan’s feelings. Morgan has described situations where they complained about something to a colleague and rather than agreeing with and consoling Morgan, they essentially said to look on the bright side. For example, Morgan was upset about a change made to their office and the coworker responded with, “At least you have your own office.” Morgan has many examples of conversations like this and cites it as a workplace culture issue. In addition, Morgan holds on to comments like this (that took place months and months ago) and often refers back to them as examples of how bad things are. At this point, I am very afraid of upsetting Morgan because I like them, and their hyper-sensitivity is a bit triggering in light of all the reparative work I’ve done for my position and unit.

One more detail about Morgan that I think plays a factor is their odor. Morgan has a strong mildewy smell wherever they go. The odor fills a room and I can often tell if they’ve recently been in a space because of the smell. I believe Morgan maintains good hygiene practices, but that they are unaware of the fact that a lot of their clothing has developed a pungent mildew odor. Depending on how strongly they smell, it can be very difficult to spend extended periods of time with them. I’ve avoided spending time with them outside of work, like inviting them to my home, because the smell is so off-putting and am wondering if it has contributed to their interactions with coworkers.

How do I take a step back with Morgan without further inciting them?

( Alison's answer )

- how do I step back from a friendship with an intensely negative and argumentative coworker?

Current Mood: seen

minoanmiss posting in

agonyaunt

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/my-colleagues-are-upset-that-were-not-speaking-truth-to-power-on-social-media.html#c

( Read more... )

Current Mood: curious

conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Good Job,

I work as a speech therapist. At a family gathering, I noticed my cousin’s near 4-year-old could only say a few words and beg and point for items they wanted. They could only say “juice” or “Pad” and would cry if any other relative tried to engage them in conversation. I asked my aunt if this was normal behavior for the child, and she said yes but that she wasn’t concerned. At nearly 4, a child should be using full sentences of at least three or more words. It is a missed milestone and early intervention is key.

I checked the local school district, and they offer free screenings and testing that my cousin’s child would qualify for. I went to my aunt and suggested that, in my professional opinion, her grandchild might benefit from speech therapy or at least testing to make sure it wasn’t some other underlying problem. It was completely free and I sent her the info. I didn’t go directly to my cousin because I know some parents can be thin-skinned and defensive when it comes to advice from licensed professionals. I had parents rage at teachers for suggesting their kids need glasses because they can’t see the board.

Well, for my troubles, my cousin sent me an awful and barely coherent text telling me I was a busybody; because I don’t have kids, my opinion is worthless; and she is a mother, so she knows all, and especially what is best for her child, who is perfect. I left it alone after that. The problem is that two years later, the child started kindergarten and was diagnosed with a severe speech impediment, and the rationed therapy the school gives hasn’t really helped. My cousin had to enroll her child with a private therapist that her insurance doesn’t cover and it is pretty pricey. I know all this through the grapevine.

Then, at a family event, my aunt and cousin went off on my poor mother about how awful and selfish I am for not volunteering and helping in their hour of need. I never told anyone about the text since I didn’t want drama, but I kept it. Frankly, I am furious. I tried to help, and I thought I was respectful enough by just going to my aunt with the free resources that were available to my cousin. I didn’t press, preach, or accuse. But now, at this late date, they think publicly blaming me and dragging my poor mother into it will work? I am ready to go to war and I have the receipts, should I?

—Not Holding My Tongue

( Read more... )

silvercat17 posting in

rainbowlounge

We have a new supply for divination methods like tarot, I Ching, runes, etc.

Because of the length, I put websites to get randomly selected ones in a comment. Thank you to

thisbluespirit for finding so many sources.

I'll be putting up posts that can be used for Tempera on the RainbowFic tumblr

The tag has been added to RainbowFic and the auto count list has been updated (you can just copy in that row in the supplies tab).

minoanmiss posting in

agonyaunt

CW" sexual harassment, soft bans, conflict avoidance, and religion. ( Read more... )

fox posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Eric: I am very much enjoying the second time around following a long and less than joyful first marriage. My problem is plans for burial.

All of our children are terribly against our marriage even though both of our spouses were deceased at the time we met. Our children have virtually no relationship with us now and if there is any contact it is ugly.

I have a cemetery plot out of state with my deceased wife. My wife has a local plot with her deceased husband. I would like to get a new plot for the two of us but expect that any such request would receive pushback and be ignored.

My wife’s mother is buried with her second husband using her last name at the time of her death and her father is buried with a subsequent wife so there is precedent for what I want but I know her daughter would require that her mother be buried next to her father.

How do I get what I want?

I have not discussed any of this with my wife. If I did and she brought it up with her daughter the reaction would be for the daughter to express her displeasure by keeping the grandchildren from my wife. She has done that for less. If I am to get a plot, I should do that sooner rather than later as they are in short supply.

While living I would feel great joy if I could know that I could count on being buried beside my wife for all of eternity. Am I being silly to not just take the easy route?

— Burial Conflict

Plans: You have every right to make a burial plan that suits your life and your love. And — this might be controversial — you don’t have to tell your kids. If you have virtually no relationship as it is, you certainly don’t need to bend to their wishes. It seems there’s no pleasing them, anyway.

In general, it’s better to communicate about final wishes and plans for one’s end-of-life in advance. This helps intentions to be understood and gets questions answered while you’re still around to answer them. But the conflict that’s roiling your family complicates things.

Without knowing more about the circumstances of your marriage, I can’t say your kids are completely wrong, but the punishment you mentioned is more than concerning.

Perhaps they’re struggling with acceptance because of unprocessed grief, perhaps there’s something else going on that I’m not privy, too. Either way, the stated conditions dictate that the burial conversation should happen only between you and your wife right now. Once you’re both on the same page, you’ll know what the next step is. That might mean purchasing a joint plot that makes you happy and appointing someone other than one of your kids as executor. (That last part is probably wise regardless.)

There would still be a lot of complications, of course. Namely, one of you will predecease the other and at that point, presumably, the kids would find out the plan. So, while you are working on doing what brings you joy, I’d also encourage you to get down to the root of what’s going on with your kids.

rockinham posting in

pod_together

Pod_Together participants,

Today is our first check-in! You can check in over email (pod.together@gmail.com), dreamwidth comment, or via discord message to klb, shmaylor, minnabird, or rockinhamburger --whichever feels most comfortable to you. A single person can check in for your entire group, although if each person wants to check in individually, that’s fine too. (If you signed up as a group and did not opt-in to check-ins, you obviously aren't required to check-in, but are certainly welcome to if you would like!)

Completed writing is due in 3 weeks, on Sunday July 27th. When you check in, let us know if you feel on track for that deadline so far. We'd also love to know what's going well in your group and any worries you may have about your group or your project.

In addition to checking in with us, make sure you check in with your partner(s). Sharing your work-in-progress with your partner(s) is mandatory, and the minimum requirement is once per check-in. That means that, if you haven't already shared what you have so far, now is the time to do so. Partners, don’t forget to give feedback/encouragement on the work-in-progress when you see it!

It's very early in the game, so if you are anticipating difficulty, this would be a great time to start discussing problem-solving options. We're happy to help in any way we can to ensure you and your partner(s) have as positive an experience as possible! And if everything’s going awesome, YAY, we can’t wait to hear all about it!

Best,
Mods

conuly posting in

agonyaunt

( Cut because LW is abusive )

Profile

shadowsong26

April 2020

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Page Summary

fox in agonyaunt - i love a low-stakes question
conuly in agonyaunt - Really don't think The Ethicist was the right columnist for this question
conuly in agonyaunt - (no subject)
paradoxcase in rainbowfic - Nacarat #8, Light Black #4 [The Fulcrum]
conuly in agonyaunt - I genuinely don't know how LW hasn't smothered their mom yet
minoanmiss in agonyaunt - Ask a Manager: I think my employee is trans -- how can I signal support?
minoanmiss in agonyaunt - Ask a Manager: Rejecting a candidate for including "servant of God" on their resume
minoanmiss in agonyaunt - Ask a Manager: Can I Be Fired For Not Using AI?
bookblather - starting over
ysobel in agonyaunt - More for the letter than the answer
ysobel in agonyaunt - (no subject)
paradoxcase in rainbowfic - Dogwood Rose #6, Light Black #20 [The Fulcrum]
matsushima in agonyaunt - how do I step back from a friendship with an intensely negative and argumentative coworker?
minoanmiss in agonyaunt - Ask a Manager: my colleagues are upset that we’re not “speaking truth to power” on social media
conuly in agonyaunt - (no subject)
silvercat17 in rainbowlounge - New Supply - Tempera
minoanmiss in agonyaunt - Ask a Manager: how do I tell an organization that their volunteer is banned from our facility?
fox in agonyaunt - Asking Eric: Adult children object to parents’ burial plans
rockinham in pod_together - Check-In #1
conuly in agonyaunt - (no subject)

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